My laptop's being ridiculously slow and I've had to resort to doing all my online errands on a foreign computer. It's not a bad thing, it's just different.
That's what I've had to tell myself many times about so many things in my life recently. It's not bad, just different. It's a hard reality to grasp at the moment when saying it, but I'm sure it's bound to eventually show some truth.
You know those moments that seem so overwhelming that you can hardly see yourself, your nerves, your health, your mental stability, getting through another day? That you hate looking in the mirror because your face is just a shell hiding this aching, hurting, insignificant, dying person that's inside? Is it because your plans are so severely altered from the state they were originally in that the confusion on the road you're taking turns to hate and disdain and insecurity and awkwardness? And you've felt so anxious for such a long while that you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel? Can I honestly look at this with any amount of comfort in saying "it's not bad, it's just different?" How are things not bad when I'm effing MISERABLE. I know nothing's supposed to be easy, but does it have too be this difficult so often?
I have been betrayed by some of the closest people to me within mere weeks. I am starting to develop a very bad taste in my mouth to all relationships. I've opened myself up far too many times to people I thought I could trust and that is my own fault. But shutting people out entirely seems far from logical. I don't know how to live anymore. I've tried, and apparently I've failed.
I'm sick of playing games. By the way, playing games should not be an appropriate term for the situation since in the literal sense playing games would be a very enjoyable activity to participate in.
I'm single now, (it's not bad, just different.) And actually the resulting feelings from that situation are not what spawned this outburst. There are things that do enhance the emptiness I feel. And its hard moving forward with full strength when you're still in contact with that person from that other part of your life and so, in a sense, you're not in a position to move on because you're not all there to move. But I guess my only options are to keep trying to move forward or to just quit.
I could rant for hours and hours, but maybe I should spare the world and simply get a shrink.
Therefore, I shall make my way back to bed to perhaps catch a couple more Zs before having to start the day.
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