The days pass-- I have no mind for their time. It's the nights that plague me with fear and anxiety.
What a time to endure! And to endure alone!
Conjuring up images of my past fate, mentally reviewing every step of my path, and only uneasy questions arise. No answers. Only the blank stare of unsolvable questions.
So I realized that I don't view my life as a series of events, coincidences, anomalies. No-- they're just queries. Quizzes. A ridiculous game of my own creation.
And we're told to take and take and grab what we can while we can. Be selfish! Think about yourself and only care about what you want and go for it! Why not?
But are we so learned in taking that we don't know how to deal with losing? I see it exposed everywhere. On the news-- mass shootings, suicides, so many displays of self-destructive anger,-- in relationships-- domestic disputes, avoiding that friend because of something that happened 7 years ago,-- in myself-- self-pity and loathing and obsessing over that which can't be changed and allowing that obsession since I give myself the excuse "But there was no closure."
I'll be the first to admit-- loss is so painful and it's very difficult to manage. I don't want to think about it and therefore I put off dealing with those emotional bleeding wounds. Everytime I glance at them, I wince and look away, only to go another month without daring to look again.
What can be done? I'm not asking so that I can change the circumstance. But what can be done to change my own heart? My attitude? My view of my own life? And of life itself?
I once spoke with a man who was struggling with issues much more in quantity than mine. He was plagued with PTSD, his wife was leaving him, his daughter was getting married and moving away, and his only job was to go to therapy and counseling everyday to deal with these issues. He talked about suicide, but I suggested there may be a better way. When he asked what else there could be and what he should do, I suggested "I think you need some peace in your life." He looked thoughtful for a couple moments, tears in his eyes, and nodded. A couple weeks later, a friend of his reported to me that the gentleman had shot himself and died over the Thanksgiving holiday. And even though he was already on that path, part of me feels responsible for his death. 
I've been thinking about that instance alot lately.
Not in the dangerous aspect, but more as a remembrance of what can happen when you can't understand the manage of loss. It's a skill our culture, our world today could use.
I know I could use it.

 

Has anyone else had someone secretly install a keylogger on your computer for no reason??? WTF?

Publicity.
It's exciting to get some, but then again alot of dust unsettles off of those skeletons in the closet.
Recently I have had the privilage to be interviewed about my experiences in the dance competitions by two different newspapers/ magazines. This month both articles have been released. It's interesting to see how the point of views of the interviewers may be different enough than your own that your story doesn't really sound like yours when you see it written by this other person. It's fun at the same time, but then again there are things that I didn't even bring into the interview which were pulled up... which, of course, makes the story all that much more interesting. I guess I'm rather boring, so there's nothing like a little drama to spice up my life, right? ;) lol.
I truly hope that no feathers will be ruffled. I was honest in my interviews when asked about certain questions, I didn't elaborate on things, and tried to keep vague on personal/ touchy matters. Questions were asked that slightly caught me off gaurd, but I kept my cool and kept it real. I thoroughly enjoyed the  interviews and the people interviewing me were awesome. I cannot thank them enough for the opportunity and their publications turned out fantastic! I'm curious what certain people will think about the articles. I know in one article one particular person, although left unnamed, was still mentioned and singled out in not the best light and I feel troubled by it. I had three goals through the interviews: to promote my dancing and my future endeavors, to promote Stephen and his wonderful guidance/ patience/ partnership/ career, and to promote the arts in Huntsville. I think I did it-- even though things were included that wouldn't have been my first choice to talk about, I hope the main points and message came across stronger that may have overshadowed any of the drama mentioned. Like I said, I didn't pursue, myself, to talk about certain topics, but certain questions were asked about a particular matter and I answered as honestly as I thought appropriate.
If any offense is, however, taken by these stories, please contact me and I will readily mend the situation in which ever ways I can. I don't believe anyone reading this xanga entree will be one of those potentially offended people, but I thought I'd put the disclaimer and offer out there anyways.
Anyways, love and peace! God bless!
Ciao!