The days pass-- I have no mind for their time. It's the nights that plague me with fear and anxiety.
What a time to endure! And to endure alone!
Conjuring up images of my past fate, mentally reviewing every step of my path, and only uneasy questions arise. No answers. Only the blank stare of unsolvable questions.
So I realized that I don't view my life as a series of events, coincidences, anomalies. No-- they're just queries. Quizzes. A ridiculous game of my own creation.
And we're told to take and take and grab what we can while we can. Be selfish! Think about yourself and only care about what you want and go for it! Why not?
But are we so learned in taking that we don't know how to deal with losing? I see it exposed everywhere. On the news-- mass shootings, suicides, so many displays of self-destructive anger,-- in relationships-- domestic disputes, avoiding that friend because of something that happened 7 years ago,-- in myself-- self-pity and loathing and obsessing over that which can't be changed and allowing that obsession since I give myself the excuse "But there was no closure."
I'll be the first to admit-- loss is so painful and it's very difficult to manage. I don't want to think about it and therefore I put off dealing with those emotional bleeding wounds. Everytime I glance at them, I wince and look away, only to go another month without daring to look again.
What can be done? I'm not asking so that I can change the circumstance. But what can be done to change my own heart? My attitude? My view of my own life? And of life itself?
I once spoke with a man who was struggling with issues much more in quantity than mine. He was plagued with PTSD, his wife was leaving him, his daughter was getting married and moving away, and his only job was to go to therapy and counseling everyday to deal with these issues. He talked about suicide, but I suggested there may be a better way. When he asked what else there could be and what he should do, I suggested "I think you need some peace in your life." He looked thoughtful for a couple moments, tears in his eyes, and nodded. A couple weeks later, a friend of his reported to me that the gentleman had shot himself and died over the Thanksgiving holiday. And even though he was already on that path, part of me feels responsible for his death.
I've been thinking about that instance alot lately.
Not in the dangerous aspect, but more as a remembrance of what can happen when you can't understand the manage of loss. It's a skill our culture, our world today could use.
I know I could use it.
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